You do not know who I am. It’s not like I know myself either. Of course, you will get to know me in time. It would be wrong to say I am like this. One cannot look at one’s self objectively. I have tried it, it just doesn’t work that way.
Defining myself is also another problem. I’m just a human being. School, exams, friends. I just drift away with it all.
I read one of your essays. It made me think. Your words touched some place inside of me.
You know there’s a legend where a man looks for the water of life. I felt so close to that. I too am looking for the water of life. Is it for immortality? No! At times, I miss death. I ask, I question it.
You know, I always read books since I was a little child. My interest in reading became even more intense during my high school years. I had had an accident, and I was bedridden for months. I had read tonnes of books during that time. It was at that time that I tasted the beauty of a book, of reading and literature.
It was great… But it was also bad in a sense! Because one of the reasons for my questioning is because of my readings. I could have also just lived a normal life too… But now everything is just philosophy for me. And literature… Mine is a kind of obsessional reading.
Lately, I have also been interested on the topics about believing. I do not know if I believe. At times, it feels like I do believe. Generally, though, I am stuck in a tight situation.
Maybe I don’t reject it but I don’t completely believe either. Is this even harder, what do you think? Right at that moment, I feel a great emptiness appear inside of me. And everything suddenly loses it’s meaning.
Let’s discuss this with you. Could you be able to put up with me? If a person’s soul is close to my soul, then there is no problem. I can even get along with someone from the other end of the world. If there is no connection with one who is right there beside you, one becomes a complete stranger…
Becoming a stranger… Yes, this really defines who I am. I am all alone in the middle of crowds. This must be the hardest loneliness. Don’t you think so?
Write to me, please! It can be short, as long as you write something. I don’t have any patience for long words anyway. Now I am only looking for the shortest of words and the core of all issues. The shortest of writings are the most beautiful, if of course, it is meaningful… Let its language be simple. So that I may understand…
Look at me, I’m putting boundaries on you without any shame! How impertinent of me! But how else can we communicate. Please understand…”
…
Ok…
BEACH…
“I’m on holidays now… I’m not listening to the radio, I’m not watching TV, I’m not even reading books. I grabbed my computer so that I could read your messages and reply to you.
There are mountains of smokey peaks behind me and a choppy sea before me. A few ships are sailing by in a distance. And boats closer by. It’s pretty quiet here…
The weather is slightly cold but I still went outside. I walked towards the beach. I saw someone sitting there. I’m a bit of a brazen, so I said ‘Hello!’ and sat next to him. He quietly said ‘Hello!’. He looked at me then quickly moved his eyes away. He was a coy, shy young man who loved to bury himself in his own world… This way my first impression.
He was studying at university and with his mother’s insistence came for a holiday too. He had slacks and a linen shirt on. He had folded up the sleeves of his shirt. He had short hair and a very fine moustache just above his lips. His moustache surprised me. I don’t know, at that age and he had hardly any facial hair too…
Anyway, of course that’s up to him. He had a cornelian ring on his finger and was constantly playing around with it. He was watching the sea and was not even looking at me while I was talking. Even when he was answering me too. He had an attitude like he was saying, ‘Where did she come from!’. I wanted to chat but he quickly got bored, and he wanted to end talking all of a sudden. It seemed as though he was scared of me.
Apparently he was going to stay here for about a month. Well, I guess I won’t be alone. Maybe he will open up in time, and will speak. He didn’t really make it obvious but I think he is a religious person. If not often, I had actually seen those like him. He is not going to get away from me, I will make him talk…
This is it for me, for now… People may think: why would a beautiful girl full of life ask questions about life. Someone like her would only be interested in enjoying life. When you start to ask questions like, ‘What is the meaning of life, where did I come from, what will happen after death?’, the only answer you will get is, ‘Are you crazy?’. Or they might say, ‘Did you have a fight with your boyfriend!’. They cannot imagine that normal people too can question life… Well, it’s not like I care!
So, what do you think, do you think the boy with the slacks will look at me in the face and talk with me?.”
…
Even if he does not want to speak, I have no doubt that you will make him talk. He might fear the possibility of being impressed by you. Always speak to him with your human side. First, be a human then a woman… Your narration of your holiday impressions is very nice. I would like to hear more.
